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The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring. Unspooled #21 October 3, 2018. Download; Description. Advertising /.|. 00:00 / 01:23:16.| Skip.
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Lord of the Rings; The Musical, Libretto
Written by Dallin Webb, Jonathan Hatch, and least of all by Calen Johnson Credit will be given to additional assistants in this production in the “Special Thanks to” Music provided by Dallin Webb and other artists Based on the amazing story by J.R.R. Tolkien Pre-prologue
(We open on a stage with a microphone. Awkward pause. A very official looking announcer comes on and speaks into the mike.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this is an epic tale. A tale of brotherhood, betrayal, and the ability for individuals to overcome a surpressive autocrat, so good and justice may rule a world. In this tale, we will take you on a journey through the ages, as a fellowship seeks to fight for the right. In this tale of good and evil, we will experience love, hate, and deep sadne-- (A person with an index card enters and whispers into the announcer's ear)
This is a story of a short guy who throws his uncle's ring int a hole. We hope you will enjoy this tale. It lasts a bunch of hours, and we have no solid intenion of an intermission. Cue the overature!
Prologue
(The place: The Shire, a hobbit home in the western corners of middle earth. A road on which Gandalf is traveling to get to the home of Bilbo Baggins. Frodo Baggins is waiting for him, acting displeased.)
Frodo: You’re late, Gandalf. Gandalf: Nonsense! A wizard rocks into town precisely when he means to. Unless, of course, he has a gig to get to, in which case he has to be there when whoever gave him the gig told him to be there. But in that case of course, he means to be there because if he were not there on time, he wouldn’t get any- (giving up the act) Frodo: Oh, Gandalf, I missed you. I even missed your heavy rock and roll. (chuckling) Gandalf: Oh, my dear Frodo; what’s not to miss? Scene One
(Place: A festival for Bilbo’s Birth-day. Most the hobbits are there to celebrate and to hear Gandalf’s heavy rock and roll and see his special effects. Gandalf is standing on the stage.)
Gandalf: WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! BUDDY YOU’RE A YOUNG MAN HARD MAN SHOUTING IN THE STREETS GONNA TAKE ON THE WORLD SOME DAY YOU’VE GOT BLOOD ON YOUR FACE, BIG DISGRACE WAVING YOUR BANNER ALL OVER THE PLACE, SINGIN WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU! Bilbo: Wasn’t that great?! I’d like to thank you all for coming... (out of nowhere looks terrified) That will be all for tonight. Go home. (Puts a ring on his finger behind his back and instantly runs away. Great commotion starts among the audience members. Screams are heard and Gandalf walks to Bilbo’s house.) (In Bilbo’s house, Bilbo turns visible.) Gandalf: Do you take me for a composer of meretricious refrain?! Bilbo: I- (Gandalf lets out a blast of his electric guitar, throwing Bilbo against the wall) Gandalf: I’m on to you! That was a blatant use of classical magic. Bilbo: Yes, I suppose you are right. Here’s the ring. (Gives Gandalf the ring.) ( Gandalf suddenly throws the ring into the fire but this has no effect) Gandalf: This is clearly evil magic! I will go to the library of Gondor and figure what the heck this ring is. Bilbo: But can I keep it Gandalf? Pleeeeeeeze? Gandalf: Um... no thank you. Bilbo: But its mine, MINE I tell you. My, precious. (Gandalf kicks Bilbo in the shins Bilbo screams like a school-girl) Gandalf: Can’t you take a hint? IT’S EVIL!! (like a pouting child) Bilbo: Okay you can keep the silly thing. (Gandalf gives the ring to Frodo, who has just come home from cow tipping, and says to him:) Gandalf: Frodo, (sniffs him) Why do you smell of cow? Frodo: Oh, Gandalf, I wouldn’t expect a rock star to understand the peace and serenity that comes with being out in nature, cow tipping. Gandalf: Eh, no matter. Frodo, you are to take this ring to the Prancing Pony Inn. I shall meet you there. Frodo: Aw, Gandalf? Why do I have to do this? That sounds like a ton of work to me. Gandalf: Do you think writing music is easy?! Think carefully before you answer. Frodo: What does writing music have to do with anything Gandalf? Gandalf: Um...because I'm a wizard I don't have to answer that question! When you’re as old as I am you will understand. (outraged at this totally lame wizard who just doesn’t ever understand) Frodo: well you can take your word of wisdom and- (Gandalf cuts Frodo off) Gandalf: Do you hear that? (Gandalf goes to the window and pulls Sam through) Frodo: Hey, that the kids whose cows I was tipping. Unluckily, he’s my uncles Gardener. Gandalf: Wait a second! I come to you and tell you a secret and you don't even care to shut the windows?! Really Frodo?! Frodo: Oh, so now you’re blaming this on me! Really?! You’re the wizard! You could have cast a non hearing spell or something, but no!; you depend on me to shut a window!? (turning on Samwise, the gardener) Gandalf: Sam, have you been eavesdropping?! (hastily) Sam: I ain’t been dropping no eaves, sir. Gandalf: What did you hear? Sam: oh, nothing, sir. Just a little about an evil ring and a possible dark lord. Gandalf: I didn’t say anything about a dark lord, and that’s enough to get you tangled into this whole mess. Sam: But I’m just the gardener! Gandalf: No you’re not. For you to get that close, you must be asking for trouble. Frodo: So what is so special about this ring. Besides the obvious; I can’t take my eyes off of it. Gandalf: Long ago... the world hung in balance between the forces of rock, or the good guys, and classical, or the bad guys. Eventually, classical music was on the brink of establishing its popularity among the next generation. The forces of rock made one final assault on Mount Doom to end this abomination. The dark lord fought in this battle and was about to obtain victory, when Isildor, the king, cut the ring you are holding off of his finger. He was about to destroy it in the fires of Mount Doom, when he claimed it for himself and forever subjected himself to wholesome, toe-tapping music. (Gandalf reflects on the horrifying idea, and continues) Gandalf: Frodo, Sam, please; bring the ring to the Inn. I shall be there shortly to give you further directions. Frodo: I don’t think so. Its such a weight to carry. OH, IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, IT’S SUCH A WEIGHT TO BARE, IF ONLY- (cutting Frodo off) Sam: Shut up, Frodo. Gandalf: Then it’s decided. Scene Two
(Gandalf is leaving the shire. Frodo and Sam somehow picked up Pippin and Merry and are heading east to a neighboring city where the bar is located.)
Pippin: Merry, how did we get sucked into this? Merry: Come on, Pippin, it’s not like we’re going to go through a life changing experience. We’re just going to the bar for some ale! Pippin: Yup! (The four hear an ear-splitting screech.) Merry: Come on, Pippin, it’s not like that sound came from a bunch of demented, creepy, black, corrupted, wraiths called the Nazgul who are hunting us like a cat and a mouse. (The four turn to see four Nazgul, perceived as them to be hooded figures, giving chase. They hide behind a tree.) Frodo: What are those things? (The Nazgul stop next to the tree.) Nazgul: (Barbershop-quartet style) NAZGUL, NAZGUL, NAZGUL, NAZGUL! NAZGUL! WE ARE THE NAZGUL BUM-BUM-BUM WE ARE AMAZING BUM-BUM-BUM WE USED TO BE KINGS OF MEN BUM-BUM-BUM BUT NOW WE SEARCH FOR THE RING. BUM-BUM-BUM NAZGUL, NAZGUL, NAZGUL, NAZGUL! NAZGUL! (The Nazgul move on) Merry: Never-mind. I guess they are bunch of demented, creepy, black, corrupted, wraiths called the Nazgul. Hm... I wonder what else I’ve been wrong about. (They turn and step away from the tree to continue on their journey only to find a Nazgul standing there. They hear a shriek. The hobbits sprint away, pursued. They get onto a raft and cross a river, leaving the Nazgul behind.) Sam: That was close. Pippin: Yup. Scene Three
(Place: At the Prancing Pony . The four hobbits are sitting around a round table. They observe being observed by a stranger in a pink blanket.)
(Merry looks over and sees Pippin has a bigger glass then him.) Merry: What’s that Pippin? Pippin: It’s a pint! Sam: Is that guy in the pink blanket watching us? Pippin: Yup. Frodo: Well that’s not creepy at all. Pippin: Yup. Sam: Frodo don’t question a man’s ability to wear a pink blanket. (A shriek is heard as Nazguls enter the city. The man in the pink blanket, Aragorn, grabs the four hobbits and drags them upstairs. He throws the blanket on the door.) Frodo: Excuse me, but why were you wearing a pink blanket? Sam: Frodo, you idiot, we already talked about- Aragorn: Pink is a color that distorts the Nazgul’s vision. They cannot see anything beyond it. Who are you and why do you smell of cow?! (They hesitate.) Aragorn: ANSWER ME! Frodo: W--well, you see, after my uncle’s birthday party I went out and cow tipping, and-- Aragorn: No, your name. Speak small master lest I spank you. Sam: Hey! You won’t be spanking Mr. Frodo if I have anything to say about it. (The hobbits look at Sam like he’s the idiot he’s just made himself.) Aragorn: Ah, Frodo, so you are the four hobbits wandering this far east that Gandalf told me to look for. Pippin: You know Gandalf? Aragorn: Yes. My name is Strider, and Gandalf instructed me to escort you safely to Rivendell. Merry: Dang! That’s a cool name. If I didn’t know any better I’d think that Strider was just some pseudonym to hide your true identity. For all we know you could be the king of Gondor. (A pause) (Aragorn seems troubled) Aragorn: No more time for chatting. We must go now! The Nazgul are not far behind. Scene Four
(Place: Weathertop, a hill overlooking great fields)
Sam: Good morning Mr. Frodo. Guess what. We lit a huge bonfire in the middle of nowhere on top of a giant hill so that everyone within a 200 mile radius can see it! Isn’t that great?! Pippin: Yup. Sam: Oh, and we made you bacon on it. Want some? Frodo: Heck yes! Merry: You guys built a bonfire with the creepy back wraith guys chasing us and you just used it to make bacon?! Pippin: Yup! (a shriek is heard as the Nazgul charge up the hill. The Nazgul run to the very top and corner Frodo. Frodo, realizing that his sense of fashion is out of date, puts on the ring to impress these Nazgul. They mock applauding and then stab Frodo. Aragorn enters heroically fending off the Nazgul for the moment.) Frodo: IT DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, IT’S SUCH A WEIGHT TO BARE, IF ONLY- Sam: Shut up Frodo! We’re being attacked! (The Nazgul are chased away by Aragorn wielding a pink blanket.) Sam: Great job, Aragorn how did you chase them away. Aragorn: I’ll show you. (Aragorn chases Sam with the pink blanket.) Sam: (Shouting) It’s super effective! Scene Five
(Gandalf is visiting his old friend, Saramon. They are walking through the leafy-greens, discussing the ring.)
Gandalf: So it is evil magic! Saramon: Some may say evil, but not I. (HUMS A TUNE) Gandalf: Wait a second! Was that Beethoven?! Saramon: The old ways are changing, my old friend. Uplifting music isn’t so bad. Gandalf: Those words sound like blasphemy! Saramon: In the eyes of those who do not appreciate uplifting music, maybe. I will have to think about that for a little while. Gandalf: Saramon, you are getting off topic, if this ring is evil then you should be helping me rid Middle Earth of this problem. Saramon: Gandalf, Gandalf, Gandalf, if you think a ring, with evil magic, is bad in a place like the Shire you should reconsider you priorities. This evil ring may just help the little half-lings move up in the world. Gandalf: You don’t seem to care about destroying the ring. That, plus Beethoven... you’ve changed Saramon! (They walk into Saramon’s tower and scale the stairs into Saramon’s laboratory.) Saramon: Change is not always bad. Especially if Classical music is involved. Plus destroying a ring is not my priority because I met someone. Her name... (Gandalf, deciding that Saramon is too far in his fantasy world to realize how dangerous an evil ring in the hand of the hobbits was and to possibly think that classical music is in any way wholesome, decides to put an end to his old friend. He has truly become an abomination in the eyes of Gandalf. Gandalf’s staff turns into an electric guitar and gives Saramon a taste of Gandalf’s finest.) Gandalf: My old friend, If you think Classical music and women are more important then the end of the world then you will have to die! (Gandalf sticks his guitar behind his back and plays a mind-melting tune. Saramon recoils in fear. Saramon quickly regains his composure and turns on his boom-box. Tip-Toe Through the Tulips plays.) Saramon: If that is your best, take this! Gandalf: You abomination! (Gandalf falls to the ground, stunned. Saramon hits Gandalf really hard on the head. The screen blacks out. Gandalf wakes up on top of a really tall box. He pulls out his cell phone and inserts a message. The scene changes to Aragorn as he pulls out his cell phone, receives Gandalf’s text, and puts it away.) Scene Six
(Aragorn puts Frodo on his horse and rides to Rivendell, the other Hobbits following close behind on horses.)
Merry: I’m hungry. Sam: Merry, he’s not a hobbit. He doesn’t even know about second breakfast. Merry: You mean he doesn’t know about second breakfast, elevenses, lunch, second lunch, third breakfast, afternoon tea, evening tea, supper, dinner, second dinner, desert, second supper, second evening tea, fourth breakfast, or even midnight snack-time?! Sam: Doubt it. (Merry and the other hobbits let out an long, sorrowful sigh. A shriek is heard as a Nazgul starts riding after Aragorn and Frodo. Aragorn flips on the turbo and speeds away. The remaining hobbits do the same. The Nazgul looks at his horse, sees no turbo, and sags his shoulders, utterly dissapointed. Aragorn and the hobbits ride into the gates of Rivendell. Frodo is placed on a table and instantly healed by usage of ibuprofen.) Frodo: What?! That’s it? Just a pill and I’m fine? Whoa, you guys are magic! Elf 1: No we’re not. We’re just too lazy to do any real magic. Frodo: Yes, but think if you had have healed me the long way I could be waking up a week form now wondering where the heck I was and what time it is. Elf 2: Who told you that? You’re grandmother? We’re not idiots. We’re magical elves. You think we can’t handle one stab through the gut while we can heal a man who’s dying of old age, poisoning, suffocation, starvation, and an axe to the head? Well, it’s a good thing ibuprofen does work so well, because we have to have a council about that ring. (Frodo and the rest of the group are taken in to a hall closet to have this secret meeting. Gandalf and many elves and dwarves are crammed in the closet) Elrond: Here’s the plan: We throw some stupid short guy bare-foot with no equipment with the ring through the rocky, tough terrain of Mordor through countless orcs, spiders, trolls, and goblins to get to a volcano (the heat from which should be enough to kill anyone) and hope that he doesn’t claim it for himself. Gandalf: Why don’t we just fly eagles into Mordor and drop the ring in the volcano? Elrond: Nah, that’ll never work. Gandalf: Hm... Then why don’t we simply rock into Mordor? (As Gandalf says the word “rock,” his staff turns into an electric guitar and he plays a loud chord on it.) Frodo: I will take the ring to Mordor. Elrond: No offense, but you’re too little and uncoordinated. Random Guy 1: I think its a great idea sending the weakest one of us! Gandalf: So it’s decided; Frodo, you are to walk into Mordor and destroy the ring. We’re not even going to give you shoes or a decent water supply. We will give you a cape that is made of rock though. It may be heavy, but if you are in trouble, perhaps the enemy will be too stupid to notice that you are not a rock. Pippin: Yup. Frodo: This will be very hard on me. I already feel sorry for myself. IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, IT IS SUCH A WEIGHT TO BEAR, IF ONLY- Sam: Hate to interrupt you Mr. Frodo, but we’re in a hurry. Elrond: Now we must determine who shall accompany you on your quest. Aragorn: You have my sword. Legolas: You have my bow. Gimli: And my custom baby-seal leather boots! Legolas: Wait Gimli, we’re not allowed to give him shoes. Gimli: Then I guess you have my axe. MY AXE, MY AXE, IT SWINGS, IT SWINGS, IT FILLS ME WITH SUCH JOY, CAUSE YOUR HEAD IT MUST DESTROY! HEY! Legolas: MY BOW, MY BOW, IT THWINGS, IT THWINGS, IT MAKES ME FEEL REMORSE; I ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY HORSE! HEY! Aragorn: MY SWORD, MY SWORD, IT KILLS, IT KILLS, IT’S AWESOMENESS IS GREAT, IT HELPS YOU MEET YOUR FATE! HEY! (The following is sung in a round.) Gimli: MY AXE, MY AXE, IT SWINGS, IT SWINGS, IT FILLS ME WITH SUCH JOY, CAUSE YOUR HEAD IT MUST DESTROY! HEY! Legolas: MY BOW, MY BOW, IT THWINGS, IT THWINGS, IT MAKES ME FEEL REMORSE; I ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY HORSE! HEY! Aragorn: MY SWORD, MY SWORD, IT KILLS, IT KILLS, IT’S AWESOMENESS IS GREAT, IT HELPS YOU MEET YOUR FATE! Gimli: MY AXE MY AXE IT SWINGS IT SWINGS Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas: HEY! Frodo: Sam, you didn’t shut them up! Sam: They have nice voices. (Boromir runs in out of breath) Boromir: Hey, I wanna come too. Gandalf: Sure, the more the merrier, and I guess I should come too. Merry: Hey Pippin, do you want to go? Pippin: (Sigh) Yup. Sam: And don’t you think Mr. Frodo’s going anywhere without me. Elrond: Great, that makes nine to accompany the Ring-Bearer. Now all you need is a catchy name...I know, thenceforth you shall be known as the Fellowship of the Ring. Boromir: Are you sure we don't want a number in our name like the 9 ring bearers, or something its not like one of us is going to die or anything. Elrond: No, it’s too late once a group has a name it sticks. Gandalf: Now let this band go to Mordor to destroy the Ring! Scene Seven
(The Fellowship has ventured of into the Misty Mountains. It is snowing heavily.)
Merry: Gandalf! I think we took a wrong turn! Gandalf: Nonsense! A rock star is never lost. Boromir: This will be the death of the hobbits! Then again with Frodo out of the way I could bear the Ring. Gimli: What was that last statement, Boromir? Gandalf: That sounds like a great idea, Boromir. You are the strongest one of us! Hey, Frodo, If you die, give Boromir the Ring. Frodo: (jokingly)Not if he dies first. (The Fellowship all laughs) Gandalf: Right, so if you die Boromir, give Frodo your charming personality and crazy hairstyle. (They all laugh again.) Gimli: Hey my cousins live not far from here why don't we we visit them. There only problem is their house cleaning skills. It’s not like while I was away they’ve been completely destroyed! Aragorn: I agree with the dwarf, after all, this wet pink blanket is made out of cotton and I’m freezing. Gandalf: (stubbornly)Okay, fine. (Everyone present walks a few yards to get to the entrance to the dwarfs’ abode.An octopus sneaks up on Frodo and attaches itself to Frodo’s face. Frodo screams very loudly until he realizes that the octopus weighs less than a slice of bread. Legolas shoots the octopus at the cost of Frodo’s healthy cheek.Aragorn pulls the arrow out of Frodo’s face along with the octopus. They come to a door in the rock above the door is written be awesome and enter. This is written in Chinese.) Frodo: What, that’s it?! No first aid?! I might bleed to death! (They all laugh a third time.) Gandalf: Let us rock and roll! (The door swings open with a creak. All present walk into a cave. They immediately notice that there are skulls all around them. The door shuts behind them) Gimli: See, I told you they were bad at house keeping. (A few indistinguishable figures walk towards the Fellowship.) Gimli: Is that you, Uncle Balin? Why, I’ve missed you so. Remember that time when-- (The figures are actually orcs. The lead one slashes at Gimli. He dodges and kills him with his axe.) Gimli: Aah! Merry: Oh, snap! Gandalf: Let’s get out of here! (The Fellowship runs with the orcs at their heels.) Gandalf: Hurry! Down the staircase of Khazad-dum! Aragorn: Really Gandalf? I mean, we’re more likely to fall to our deaths on that thing than make it safely out. Gimli: He’s right, Gandalf; these stairs probably haven’t been maintained for the past 200 years. (An arrow nearly hits Boromir.) Gandalf: Do as I say, the dangers yet to come couldn’t possibly be more dangerous than now. (The Fellowship proceeds down the stair.) Gandalf: See, what’d I tell you; we lost the orcs and we’re nearly out of these blasted mines. (They begin to make their way out. An octopus leaps out. Legolas promptly shoots it. A pause. They begin to make their way out again, then a balrog leaps out. Legolas knocks his bow.) Gandalf: Do not fire! This is an opponent worthy of only the greatest rockers. (The balrog and Gandalf enter into an intense air-guitar battle.) Gandalf: Like Mrs. Denson’s English class, you shall not pass! (The balrog does not relent) YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!! (A mighty electric guitar chord is struck by Gandalf and the balrog falls to his death. Gandalf exhales and begins to make his way off. A guitar string attempts to wrap around his legs, but Gandalf dodges it.) Gandalf: Wow! What if that hadn’t missed?! (Gandalf takes a step, but trips on his beard and falls down the pit. He grabs onto a rock.) Gandalf: Rock on, you fools. (He falls) (you hear fall noise all throughout the scene Change) END OF ACT I ACT II Scene One
(The Fellowship has just exited the Mines of Moria.)
Merry: We’re never going to see our beloved Gandalf again! (Merry sobs like Tarzan after the vine was greased. Gandalf’s spirit appears, causing the members of the fellowship remorse.) Gandalf’s spirit: (Like a spirit) I’M GONNA ROCK WITH YOU, ALL NIGHT, DANCE WITH YOU, TILL THE SUNRISE, I’M GONNA ROCK WITH YOU, ALL NIGHT, ALL THE TIME, OH YEAH! Sam: I’m gonna miss that guy. Pippin: (sniffs) Yup. Aragorn: Why was he singing Michael Jackson? Frodo: It’s best not to question. Gimli: I could listen to him sing Michael Jackson all day. Frodo: I could sing Michael Jackson all day. (off key) I’M BAD, I’M BAD, I’M REALLY, REALLY- Legolas: Frodo, Gandalf just died. This is not the time for singing. All Except Legolas and Frodo: Yeah! Legolas: Hey guys, my dad has a few friends that live close to here. Boromir: No, no, no! Enough of these lodging with relations! Merry: Nah! It’ll be fine! Aragorn: Why not? Besides, I know the way to enter Lothlorien! Scene Two
(The fellowship of the Ring walks a few minutes to get to Lothlorien, an elven refuge. They are greeted and Frodo is given another ibuprofen.)
Frodo: Um... Can I take a bottle of that with me? It looks like you have a lot. Legolas: Ibuprofen is for warriors, not tiny little ring bearers. We can’t afford to waste any more on you. Frodo: But I’m the most important one of us! Legolas: No. Remember? Boromir gets to take your job when you die. That’s why we’re giving him our whole supply. (Frodo watches in horror as countless pills are poured into Boromir’s sack) Frodo: That’s just ridiculous! Aragorn: You don’t know anything. All but Aragorn and Frodo: Yeah! Merry: Yeah, it’s not like he’s going to get shot in the gut six times trying to defend you! Right Strider? Aragorn: Yeah! (Galadriel enters. All the Fellowship, except Aragorn and Legolas are taken aback by her beauty. They obviously have a massive crush on her. Frodo puts a mint in his mouth, ready to make out with her.) Gimli: Who’s that Legolas? Legolas: That is the Lady Galadriel. Aragorn: I’ve seen better. Frodo: Galadriel eh? I’m Frodo, miss. Perhaps later we can g- Sam: A-and Samwise Gamgee at your service, m’lady. Merry: (aside to Pippin) Dang, she’s hot. Pippin: Yup. (Haldir enters and takes Legolas and Aragorn aside.) Haldir: You have brought a great evil here. Aragorn: Oh, Haldir, don’t be such a worry-wort. Galadriel: Haldir, who are these visitors. Haldir: No one, m’lady. Just a bunch of raggedy travelers. Galadriel: Oh, but the little ones are so cute. (Frodo comes, but Aragorn shoos him away. Frodo proceeds, undaunted.) Frodo: Hey, girl, you hot! Let me tell you my big secret. Guess what I have. Go on. Guess! (Frodo begins to take out the ring, but Galadriel shoves a donut in his face to quiet him. Frodo munches happily.)
(Boromir just stares at the elf chick with his mouth open. Galadriel puts a donut in but it just falls out, and Boromir doesn’t react at all.. Frodo comes up and kicks Boromir in the shin causing him to bite his toungue.The two exchange looks of anger and Galadriel ignores them both pushing past to talk to Gimli.)
Galadriel: Hey, hot stuff. (Gimli’s cheeks flush red.) Galadriel: Let’s go get some sugar, sweet lips. (Thus, Gimli leaves the Fellowship in order to give in to certain temptation.) Frodo: What?! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I can’t live without you, Galadriel! Come back to me! (Galadriel exits with Gimli.) Frodo: This can’t be happening. (The Fellowship looks at him like the idiot he is.) Merry: Frodo, you gotta learn to hide your stupid emotions and just be cool. All but Frodo,Merry and Pippin: Yeah! Pippin: Yup. Frodo: None of you guys appreciate me! I hate you all. None of you care. Boromir: You appear to be emotionally compromised. Sounds like the ring goes to me. (Boromir steps toward Frodo, but Frodo runs out of the building.) Aragorn: Whew! He finally left! Boromir: You forget that he has the ring with him. (Sam quietly slips away.) Aragorn: Ha, ha! Don’t worry about that! He has to cross a river to get to Mordor. That pathetic kid can barely find his way anywhere on land! He’ll drown and then we’ll be back to square one! The ring will be at the bottom of a river and we will have another few years of peace! (The others look around and notice that Sam is missing.) Boromir: Great! Sam’s gone to help him. So much for your plan, Aragorn. Merry: Who’s Aragorn? (Aragorn sighs. Orcs start to invade.) Aragorn: Oh, and by the way, my real name’s Aragorn. Boromir: Oh, well. I guess I’ll go get shot a few times and end my pathetic life. (All pull out weapons and combat with the orcs.) Scene Six
(Place:a forest area all the fellowship is fighting a orc. Boromir runs away like a coward from the orc and finds Frodo talking to himself behind a tree.The rest of the group are still fighting the orc on stage left.)
Frodo: How could you Gimli. I WILL KILL YOU FOR MY LOVE GALADRIEL!!!!! (Boromir jumps out form behind a tree to grab the ring form Frodo’s finger.) Boromir: I need that ring to propose to the love of my life: Galadriel! Frodo: That's a great idea but I’ll be doing the proposing to her. Not YOU! (Boromir and Frodo start to grapple with each other and a orc enters stage right with bow and shoots an arrow at them. Boromir gets up and runs away form the orc and is hit by the arrow. Frodo plays dead) (The orc walks up and nudges Frodo with his toe. Frodo knocks the orcs feet out from under him and runs to help Boromir to his feet.) Frodo: Run! Boromir: What?! I thought you didn’t care about me. Well, you know what? I forgive you for all that you have done to me. I think you’re a pretty decent- Frodo: No, I'm using you as a meat shield. (He stumbles and falls as another arrow hits him.) Boromir:(Getting back up and running again.) We really could use some Ibuprofen right now! Frodo: Sorry but I don’t have any. (Boromir tries to take ibuprofen out of his pocket, but is shot in the hand. They stop to catch their breath.) Frodo: I think we’re out of range now. (He flinches as another arrow hits a Boromir just a foot away from him. He looks back to see that the orc is still at the same spot.) Frodo: Never mind. Boromir: You got that right. (the Fellowship’s fighting goes to middle stage) (Aragorn kills the orc.) Aragorn: Ha Ha! Take that you bat-nosed, bird-brained, beetle-behind! Your type belongs in the very pits of Mt.Doom! (He sees that the other orc is shooting at Boromir and Frodo. The orc hits Boromir right between the eyes and he knows it’s too late to save him. The orc then succeeds in hitting Boromir again and again. Boromir just sits there. As does the fellowship. Suddenly, Boromir stands and starts slaying orcs like crazy. Arrow-tips continue to sprout from his back. Frodo punches him in the face, and he finally dies and leans against a tree.) Merry: It’s not like he’s dead! He’s the strongest one of us! Get up, fatty! Go kill that orc! Come on! What are you doing. Could he really be dead?! Pippin: Yup. (Gimli pops out of nowhere and kills the last orc. there a lip stick marks on his head.) Aragorn: You know, Gimli, one minute ago would probably have been better. Gimli: Wasn’t it you that just watched him take twenty arrows? Frodo: Hey guys, don’t sweat it. Aragorn: Don’t sweat it?! He was our last hope! Frodo: I thought I was your last hope. Pippin: Nope. (Frodo looks to the Fellowship for support, but receives none.He becomes more flustered and mortified every second. He finally grunts and leaves.) Aragorn: Did we ever find Sam? If he’s not with Frodo, what’s he doing? Scene Seven
(Sam is on a boat crossing a river. Frodo runs to the bank of the river.)
Frodo: What are you doing? Sam: Taking the ring to Mordor. (Sam takes out the ring and brandishes it. Frodo jumps into the boat and takes the ring back.) Frodo: How could you?! (During the following line, a fan is blown in Sam’s hair, and the camera slowly and dramatically zooms into his face.) Sam: Mr. Frodo, have you ever thought about children’s laughter or silly parties or beautiful sunsets? That’s life, Mr. Frodo. Life is worth liv’n fe’r. No matter how many wars, or fights, there is goodness in this world that is worth fight’n fe’r. So whenever you feel overwhelmed by evil, (Frodo appears touched) Mr. Frodo, just remember... that you are worthless and nobody loves you! (Frodo’s expression changes instantaneously from touched to half horror, half surprise.) (The lights instantly black out.) End of the Fellowship of the Ring Act One, Scene One, The Two Towers: Libretto
(Merry and Pippin are walking together through the leafy-greens.)
Merry: Pippin, what if our lives took a turn for the worst right now. (Pippin shrugs.) (An orc grabs their mouths and yanks them into the trees.) Scene Two
(Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are looking for Merry and Pippin in the leafy-greens.)
Aragorn: Holy SHNOUZOU! Where are they?! Legolas: I miss them too. Those were the only cool hobbits on this trip. Besides Sam of course. (They all sigh as the word “Yup” is not heard.) Gimli: Did you guys hear a “Yup”? Legolas: That gives me an idea. Let’s go out and state facts out loud and then pause, and listen for a yup. That way, we’ll find Pippin! I’ll bet Merry’s with him too. Aragorn: Are we really going to use creative characterization to find Pippin? Gimli: Hey, do you guys see these foot prints? This is how we will find them! Legolas: What are you stupid, that will never work. (a couple seconds of awkward silence happen) Legolas: See these footprints? we find the hobbits by tracking them. Good thing you have a elf along with you, a dwarf would have never thought of that. Aragorn: Then it’s settled. We will follow the footprints. Good thinking Legolas! Legolas: Hey, thanks! Aragorn: You’re welcome. I was really looking forward to recite my many knowledges to those trees though. Legolas: Said the man. Aragorn: Legolas, elves aren’t the only ones who know stuff! Legolas: Says the man. (Gimli interrupts) Gimli: Will you two please stop arguing! Aragorn: You’re right Gimli. We should stop. Legolas: (Unsuccessfully trying to hide a smile) I was only joking. Gimli: I don’t care! I just..... (With a lovingly smile on his face) I miss Galadriel. Aragorn and Legolas: Ya. Um we can tell. Aragorn:Now wipe that stupid grin off your face and help us find Merry and Pippin. For today we shall have such a run that no elf, dwarf, nor man hast seen. (Legolas and Aragorn run off.) Gimli: Aw, shoot, I’ve always been a natural sprinter. Scene Three
Orc one:We had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days! (with intelligent British accent) I conclude that we should eat the hobbits. I assume that they are tasty because of their meat to fat ratio.
Pippin: Yup! Merry: Pippin be silent! Orc two: No! They’re too cute to eat. (The two orcs start talking to each other in harsh tones. Then a machine gun sound happens. Both orcs fall over. Guys in church clothes come in on bikes pointing they’re machine guns at the orcs) (Pippin and Merry run up to them and give them high fives) Merry: Hey. Thanks you guys! Pippin: Ya. What are you guys anyway? Person One: We are the LDS missionaries. Pippin: Hey! I heard about you guys. Are you Mormon? Person Two: No but, we can tell you about him. Merry: What?! Person Two: Never mind. Here, take this. (He holds out a Book of Mormon) Merry: No thanks. We can manage. Person One: Okay. Well good luck! (Merry and Pippin leave to go look for the others. The two missionaries give an exasperating sigh and leave. They leave their machine guns on the ground along with a book.) Scene Four
(Aragorn and Legolas are continuing their run. They cross the frame. Gimli enters, breathing heavily.)
Gimli: A sprinter, I tell you! Aragorn: Hurry Gimli. we are gaining! Hey! There aredead orcs here and little hobbit foot-prints. What are these? machine guns?! (All present wait to hear a “yup”, but are utterly disappointed.) (Scene’s setting changes to Treebeard as he lies in bed. His alarm goes off. He turns groggily, waits a few seconds, in thought, and then hits the “snooze” button and grumbles: Treebeard: Don’t be hasty... and goes back to sleep) Scene Five
Pippin: YUP!
Merry: NO! I’m not going in to those trees no matter what you promise me. Pippin: Okay then. Let’s go home! Merry: Okay. (Merry and Pippin leave and return to the Shire.) (Setting changes to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli as they are following Merry and Pippin’s footprints.) Legolas: Whoa, they came to the trees, argued for a minute, and turned west! Aragorn: They’re going back home! Good for them. (A blinding light glows next to Aragorn. Gimli throws a shoe at it.) Aragorn: Really, Gimli? You have an axe! Gimli: I don’t want to waste real weapons on things that aren’t a threat! It’s just light! Legolas: Yes, but why waste anything, a shoe for example, on something that isn’t a threat. (Gandalf appears in the light. All are startled.) Aragorn: Well, soak my kneecaps in bacon grease! It’s Gandalf! Gandalf: Yes, it’s me. When I tripped on my beard, I made a scientific decision. I spread out my arms and legs in order to fall slower than the balrog! Then, when it hit the ground and died, I used a spell to slow down and land gently next to it. Then I went to the barber shop and got this sick new hairdo. Legolas: OH, GANDALF, IT’S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK, WITH THE REST OF THE PACK, WE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, THE END. Gandalf: Yes, I’m back. Did you save me any food? Aragorn: What? Gandalf: FOOD! The barber didn’t have anything worth eating. Just pizza, cheeseburgers, and other delicious things. Where are my prunes? Gimli: Gandalf, when we first left Lothlorien, you had packed over twenty pounds of prunes! We figured, that since you were dead, we could get rid of them! Now all we have are delicious McDonald’s chicken nuggets! (Gandalf starts crying.) Gandalf: You don’t know how badly I need those natural laxatives. Legolas: Shame on you Gimli! You were he that threw them away! Gimli: I can’t take the extra weight! I naturally fall behind as it is! Aragorn: (under his breath) Wow, what a lady killer. (The following fight sequence goes very fast.) Gimli: What was that, Aragorn? Aragorn: I was just wondering why the weak likes of yourself charmed Galadriel. That’s all. Gimli: Well then why didn’t she like you then? Aragorn: Probably because your big, fat, bloated belly prevented her from seeing me. Gimli: So, you’re calling yourself tiny then? Aragorn: No! I’m calling you fat as an orc. Gimli: Well, that’s saying something you orc fodder! Aragorn: That’s it! I’m pounding your fat bloated face in! Gimli: It takes one to know one! Aragorn: That doesn’t even make sense! Your brain must be only fat too! Gimli: Actually, your brain is mostly made of fat! Shows how much you know, dummy! Aragorn: You picklesworth of a slimy, fat, cow-horn! Gimli: You murderous, stuck up, oafancy in infancy! Aragorn: You schizophrenic pile of leprechaun fecies! (aside) Legolas: (to Gandalf, who now looks amused) Shouldn’t we put an end to this? Gandalf: Naw! I’m enjoying it. (back to Aragorn and Gimli) Aragorn: You oaf! You make Frodo look bearable! (Gimli inhales very loudly, completely disgusted someone could even suggest such a thing.) Gimli: You... you... (sigh) I can’t beat that. You win. Gandalf: You guys have got to teach me that! But in the mean time, let’s get going. We’ve got to get to Edoras. Aragorn: That’s crazy! King Theoden will kick us out! Gimli: Not so fast! I haven’t sang yet! OH, (Gimli turns to audience.) KING THEODEN WAS A GOOD OLD KING, “PRAISE HIS NAME” HIS PEOPLE WOULD SING, THEN WORMTONGUE WAS HIRED BY SAUROMON, AND HE MADE THEODEN BAD. Legolas: That was very informative, Gimli, but we all already knew that. Gimli: Well you can just shut- oh yeah, I hate Aragorn, not you. Sorry. Scene Six
(Setting: A peasant-like settlement that looks like a bloated rhinoceros came through looking for its lover... Stan Lee is being kicked out of the palace.)
Stan Lee: No really! I’m Stan Lee! Eowyn: Alas, my uncle is not well. His locks cloud his morality. He hath banished my brother; he hath hired a creeper that stalketh me like the wolf upon the roe. Wormtongue: Hey, baby! Eowyn: (Sobs) Oh! Wo is me! But forsook, worst of all, Theodred, my coz and the king’s son has died fending off the hoards of Saruman the White’s armies. But soft, ‘tis Gandalf the wandering wizard, and a dwarf, and an elf, and--(She is shocked at the remarkable rugged handsomeness of Aragorn) A man. Wormtongue: Hey, baby, I’m a man. (Eowyn promptly kicks him in the shins.) Gandalf: Let’s go give the king a haircut and a shave! Legolas: And I’ve got some cosmetics that will make him look ten times younger. (Wormtongue starts talking trash on them to the king, but Gimli throws a shoe at him. He walks up to Wormtongue) Gimli: YOU! are a threat! Legolas: Now you’re starting to make sense. (Gimli bows. The four member of the fellowship present begin giving Theoden a makeover. They clip his toenails, wash his face, apply makeup, trim his hair, etc. The finished result looks slightly more glamorous.) Theoden: Hey Wormtongue, you coward! Wormtongue: Yes, lord? Theoden: Go jump off a cliff. (Wormtongue, as a final service to his king, jumps off a cliff and dies.) Eowyn: I thank thee exceedingly, uncle. The noble horse hath slain the worm-tongued wolf. Gimli: What’s that supposed to mean? Come on! This is the twenty-first century! The kids watching this won’t understand at all! Legolas: Well, as an elf, I can sort of understand foreign language. I think she’s trying to say that she “exceedingly” wants a wolf meat-nugget. Sorry, we only have chicken. Oh, and she says that Gimli has a tongue like a worm because he was making out all day. (Eowyn sighs) Eowyn: (to Aragorn) And you, fair stranger, what beeth your name? Legolas: What bee is itching his name? This girl is crazy. Theoden: This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Speaking of sons, where’s mine? (A pause) Eowyn: Alas, my lord, he was slain by the orcs of Saruman. Aragorn: Actually, last time I saw him he said he was going to fake his death and move to Florida. He’s probably having the time of his life! Theoden: (He makes a loud cry of agony) Why didn’t he take us with him!? Eowyn: Alas, the man speaketh not verily. Aragorn: The man? Did Theoden not just introduce me? Anyway, you can check the morgue. He’s not there. I can get him on Skype if you- Eowyn: But how can this be? The hands of Sarumon are stained with thy son’s blood. Legolas: Nah, it’s ketchup. Its really gross though that he hasn’t washed his hand in four months since eating those french fries. Theoden: Anywho, with this new makeover, I feel like going to battle. Gandalf: Guys, sorry to say this but one of Sarumon’s bands of evil uruk-hai violinists are coming this way and I’m getting Beethoven stuck in the back of my mind. Aragorn: Again? Theoden: Then we will withdraw to Helm’s Deep. Legolas: You know, this cast really doesn’t have the musical talent to put on a musical battle scene in this show. I say we just fight with swords. (All present murmur agreement.) Two Towers: Act II, Scene One
(Frodo and Sam are walking through more leafy-greens to get to Mordor. A pale, skinny figure jumps in front of them.)
Gollum: Give me the precious! WE LOVE THE PRECIOUS IT GIVE US CRACK WE WANT IT BACK NOW IT’S SO LOVELY! HOW DISAPPOINTED WE’D BECOME TO FIND THAT WE HAD LOST IT I DON’T KNOW HOW WE’D LIVE WITHOUT IT, SO GIVE IT TO US! PLEASE (Gollum lunges at Frodo, but Sam pulls out a dagger and finishes him.) Frodo: What the heck? That makes no sense. Why does he want it? Sam: Um... I didn’t tell you this at first, but I think I ought to. This ring entitles the bearer to unlimited drug supplies. This is why it makes you act funny and want it so much. This guy is obviously a really bad drug addict who wants methamphetamine. You can pretty much tell that that’s all he’s eaten in a while. Frodo: Whoa, creepy. Sam: I’ll say! When Isildor claimed the ring, it was only half out of respect for classical music. The rest was drug addiction. Don’t you get addicted, Mr. Frodo! (Frodo takes out the ring and starts pouring pills out of it.) Sam: FRODO! Frodo: It’s only ibuprofen! Scene Two
(Place: Plains presumably in the middle of nowhere. The citizens of Rohan are crossing these plains to get to Helm’s Deep.)
Eowyn: Behold, the purest of heart have a mind not to succeed. And the sword of justice- Legolas: (to Gimli) CRAZY! Crazy, I tell you. (Eowyn gives Aragorn some soup. Aragorn takes a sip and swallows painfully.) Eowyn: I thank thee, man of great strengths- Aragorn: Jeez! How many times do I have to tell you my name is Aragorn?! Eowyn: The man looketh not upon my shining fair, face, neither doth he notice me, but a stupor of thought hath he journeyed forth into, upon the waters of the fishermen. He doth lick the dust of the wild oxen’t feet, having no joy, for he that knoweth not the joy of- Legolas:(to Gimli) How long can she talk complete nonsense?! Gimli: Shouldn’t you, with your elven abilities be able to decipher what she’s saying? Legolas: Honestly, I have no clue! She speaks gibberish so well that I can’t help but wonder if she’s trying to say something. Scene Three
(Merry and Pippin have been wandering around trying to find their way home.)
Merry: Pip, I’m pretty sure we’re lost. Pippin: Yup. Merry: Wait, I think I see something. A huge tower that’s shaped like a staff, and juts out of the ground like a McDonald’s sign. Maybe there’s some fast food there! (Merry and Pippin dash to the tower, which is actually the Tower of Orthanc, abode to Saruman. Transform to courtyard) Merry: Hello! Anyone here?! Saruman: (from the top of his tower) Who goes there?! Merry: A few hungry customers, now get down here and make us some McNuggets before we talk to your manager! Saruman: I am the master of this tower! Merry: Yeah, right, some supervisor! There’s no one here; your workforce is really lacking! Hey, we’re unskilled and love fast food; why don’t you hire us?! Saruman: Nobody is here because all my legions are attacking Rohan at Helm’s Deep. Merry: Wait a second, you’re Saruman the White! Gandalf told me you’re that guy who was corrupted by the evils of classical music! Saruman: Yes, and soon I will be second to only Sauron, and all dwarves, men, and elves shall bow before me and my ageless genius! Merry: Let’s get him, Pip. Pippin: Yup. (Montage of Pippin and Merry running up steps under Vivaldi’s Summer Concerto. They enter into the room that Saruman is in. They give a mighty battle cry as they kick his shins, pull his hair and beard, etc.) Saruman: Get off me you little pests! Merry: Let’s go get some food when we’re done here. Pippin: Yup. Interlude
(Sam and Frodo continue their journey)
Sam: You know, Mr. Frodo, since I killed that odd drug addict, I don’t think there’s gonna be any problems at all. Frodo: Yeah, this trip is gonna be so boring. Sam: Yeah, no conflict what so ever. Frodo: We’re not gonna be in this show at all, are we? Sam: Probably not. Unless something dangerous happens once we get to Mordor. Frodo: I sure hope so. Scene Four
(Setting: Helm’s deep, a refuge/fort for Rohan in dark hours. It is said that no one has ever defeated the defenders of the walls of Hornburg.)
Aragorn: Well, luckily we weren’t attacked or anything because I didn’t bring my parachute and if I had gotten pushed off a cliff, it would have killed me. Gimli: DANG IT! Legolas: It being called Helms Deep I thought it would look like a helmet or something or at least be underground. Aragorn: Well, now you know. Legolas: No, it’s not that. I’ve known about this place before you were born. I just can’t believe after all of these thousands of years that they have not changed it. Aragorn: Keep rubbing your immortality in my face, Legolas. Just remember that I’m actually in my eighties despite my young look. Gimli: Don't you think that we should stay out of that death trap and use the horses that Rohan is famous for to run down the enemy? Legolas and Aragron at the same time: No! Scene five
(The Uruk-Kia army arrives at helms deep)
Legolas: Well, we’re doomed. Gandalf: Well, I'm escaping well I have the chance. (everybody else):WHAT?! Gandalf: Um... I’m going to get reinforcements! Ya! That’s it, reinforcements! I’ll be back on the fifth day at dawn sometime on the second July of the first Monday or something like that. Don’t lose faith if I’m not on the dot. You guys can do it! (under his breath) Or maybe I’ll go visit Theodred in Florida... (Gandalf: exits the scene quickly.) Theoden: No one can beat us here. We’ve never lost. Gimli: I beg to differ. These aren’t just some silly orcs. These are strong uruk-hai with armor, and ladders and... Legolas: ...and you were too drunk for all of those other battles. Don’t you remember? Since you don’t recall, I’ll tell you. You only won because a bunch of confused tourist came through with looking for a medieval landmark and scattered all of the orcs, claiming they had paid good money to be there and not wanting to see their day ruined with violence, while you guys were singing and dancing with drunk, gay vigor! Theoden: Um... That never happens. (A bunch of elves come in like a bunch of boisterous rats. All look as though they hadn’t bathed in days.) Aragorn: Wait, aren’t the elves supposed to be in nice straight lines and look all imperial and stuff? Elf 1: We just traveled a few hundred miles to get here under the eye of Sauran through rugged terrain. We’re all exhausted. Theoden: I’ll take all the reinforcements I can get. Elf 2: What? Oh, yeah. There was a time in history where elves and men fought side by side. We come... to point and laugh at those times. You guys don’t stand a chance! (All Elves except Legolas leave, laughing.) Theoden: Huh. Well... Um... We can do it I hope. Yeah! Legolas: Um... Yay. Gimli: Hur- Hurray. Yeah. Aragorn: Yeah. Theoden: Mm-hm. True I guess. Scene Six
(Merry and Pippin are tidying up the tower of Orthanc, turning it into a restaurant. Their whole menu is comprised of McNuggets. Mary and Pippin are hanging a huge sign that says: McPippin’s Isengard All You Can Eat Buffet. Customers are starting to come in. Pippin is at the register.)
Customer: I’d like a McPippin’s McNugget mega-pack please. This is a restaurant now, right? Pippin: Yup. Customer: So can I get that order? Pippin: Yup. Customer: Aren’t you going to put that in the computer? Pippin: Yup. (The customer gets an idea) Customer: Can I have it for free? Pippin: Yu- (interrupting) Merry: Pippin! I told you that you cannot work the register! You’re too willing to agree! (to customer) Shame on you. You’re trying to take advantage of his natural habits! Go away! (The customer leaves.) Hey, Pippin? Have you washed your hands since pushing Sarumon off the edge? Pippin: No, why? Merry: Because you’ve got ketchup all over your hands. Lord Of The Rings DownloadScene Seven
(Place: Helm’s Deep. The Uruk-hai are lined up ready to fight. They begin banging their spears on the ground.)
Uruk-hai 1: You will all die, stupid men! Uruk-hai 2: And the elves shall die like pigs to the slaughter house! Uruk-hai 3: They are all pigs! Uruk-hai 1: Stinky man and elf pigs! (All the Uruk-hai laugh.) Uruk-hai 3: They are stinky-winky. (Another collective laugh.) Uruk-hai 2: And dipsy. Uruk-hai 1: LA LA, PO. All Uruk-hai: TELETUBIES. TELETUBIES! SAY HELLO! Theoden: Now, I’ve seen everything. Uruk-hai 1: Enough talk, Rohan king. Let’s fight! (The Uruk-hai charge the gates with ladders. Many elven archers are shooting down the hoard. Wait, rewind. The elves left. Nevermind. The Uruks infiltrate the wall.) Legolas: Y’know, Gimli, I’m a crazy awesome elf-prince warrior, and battles have become such a drab to me. How about we keep track of how many Uruks we take out , and make it into a competition. Gimli: Okay...(he charges the Uruks) readysetgo! (he takes out two Uruks with a swing of his mighty axe) Gimli: Ha! You’re losing! Scene Eight
(Place: Florida. Gandalf, Theodred, and Eomer are sun bathing.)
Gandalf: So once you were banished, you just came here with your cousin. Eomer: Pretty much, yeah. Gandalf: That’s really intelligent. Theodred: And the only reason I faked my death is because of that bogus advisor, what was his name, Wormtongue. Gandalf: Ha, actually your dad told him to jump off a cliff. Theodred: Oh, great! That means I’m coming back. Eomer: I’m in. Gandalf: What?! I mean, don’t you want to stay here? It’s so warm and you have a killer tan. Theodred: Nah, I really wanna go back. Besides, I miss my cousin, Eowyn. Gandalf: But, but...you can’t! Nobody will be there. Theodred: Why? Gandalf: Uh, because there in a huge battle at Helm’s Deep and they’re all gonna die. Theodred: Well, Gandalf, I hope you know that I have my own army of riders over here. We could give those orcs a taste of wasabi! Eomer: Great, let’s go! Gandalf: You guys are crazy! There’s no hope. I guess I did promise them reinforcements... Okay! But I’m not going to fight. Scene Nine
Gimli: Ha ha 59!
Legolas: 58-59-60-61, Well this is just so easy 62! How can we make this harder? All we are doing is killing them on this wall. This would be a lot harder, 63, if we had to fight them in that court yard. Gimli: Ya think, 74, of how many we could kill 75! (BOOM!) (Gimli and Legolas get blown to one side. as the deeping wall blows up) Gimli: Well, I’m going to check on Aragorn. You just stay here. 76! Legolas: 89! ok. (scene changes to Aragorn with Theoden at the main gate) Theoden: Why are they still attacking the gates? There’s a giant hole in the wall just over there. (Gimli runs up to them) Gimli: Hey, do you guys know where I can find lots of enemies to kill? Aragorn: Yeah, on the side of this gate there is tons why? Gimli: Who cares why, the question is why are we not out there now?(Aragorn and gimil walk around to a side gate and counter a small gap ) Aragorn: It’s too far. You’re going to have to throw me... Gimli: Really Aragorn? It’s like... two feet across! Aragorn: Please. Gimli: Ok... Sigh (Gimli throws Aragorn it to the mass of enemies and they fight in tell they are forced inside.) Theoden: It is all over. We shall never survive. Aragorn: Sir, didn’t Gandalf say that he was bringing reinforcements on the fifth day at dawn? Theoden: No, he said he would be back on the first dawn of the fifth day on the second July of the first monday. We are nearing August, so maybe he’ll be here two and a half years from now. But the second Monday of the fifth dawn? I don’t think he’s bringing reinforcements at all. (Gandalf is seen riding down a hill with reinforcements. He charges the offending musicians and beats them up.) Gandalf: (Shouting to Theoden.) My original Idea was to neglect you completely, but I’ve found this army, so I thought I’d come back. (Gandalf abruptly stops.) Gandalf: But I’m not fighting! My own life is at stake here. Theoden: I thought you had left us! Gandalf: I had left you! It’s Theodred who wanted to come back! See ya! Theodred: Yo, pops. What’s hangin’ T-Dizzle? Theoden: Oh, no. He seems to have adopted an advanced language. Gimli: That makes two people that we will never understand. Eowyn: The man doth not defend my longing to fight in battle. They hath chained me to these shackles as to prevent my sword-oriented prowess. Oh, woe is me, for he that hath not stomach to this fight hath been forced to. And I remain where that man ought to be. (all just stand there trying in vain to figure what Eowyn was trying to say) Legolas: She wants to use a sword as a compass to direct her to her ex-husband who should be with her to fill her stomach and longing for wolf-nuggets in this dark hour. Um... That’s the best I can interpret. Gimli: Well, that makes perfect sense... I think. (Eowyn sighs. As Gimli tries to comprehend, Legolas continues shooting and then shouts:) Legolas: Five hundred and twenty-three! Gimli: Hey, I was distracted, no fair! Legolas: Too late! We’ve won. No more orcs for you. (Gimli sighs.) Theoden: DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE THOUGH YOU MAY BE SOLD FOR RANSOM. MY SON IS ALIVE AND I AM INCREDIBLY HANDSOME. SO EVERYTHING IS AWESOME, I LOVE LOVING. Eowyn: Thou mistakest thyself, uncle. Spontaneous song doth not maketh thy countenance count. Thou shalt surely looketh upon thy collaborators for guidance if thou shalt continue upon the pathway of certain- (Legolas takes out a role of duct-tape and tapes Eowyn’s mouth shut.) Scene Ten
Frodo:
OH IT JUST DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, IT’S SUCH A WEIGHT TO BEAR, IF ONLY SOMEONE- (Sam tackles Frodo and looks him in the eye.) Sam: Frodo, If I catch you complaining one more time- Frodo: Sam! You don’t know what it’s like! Sam: Shut up! That thing weighs like, two ounces! Frodo: Well, it’s hard, okay? Sam: You’re such a weakling. (Sam pulls out a knife and kills Frodo. He walks over and sits on a rock with the ring. He thinks for a moment, and pulls out an ibuprofen and heals Frodo.) Sam: That was a warning, Frodo. Don’t cross me again.. Frodo: (whimpering) Yes, Mr. Gamgee. END OF ACT II END OF PART II, THE TWO TOWERS SCENE ONE PART 3 The Return of the King
(Gandalf, Theoden, Theodred, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli are found at Isengard. All look bewildered.)
Legolas: What the- Gimli: -heck happened to this place? Gandalf: It smells like fast food. Hm... I doubt Saruman would ever allow this place to look so clean and smell so good. I sense the half-lings are behind this. Aragorn: Your wizard skills are remarkable, Gandalf. Gandalf: Nah, look. There’s a sign that says McPippin’s All You Can Eat Buffet. (They enter into the restaurant. There is a very long line. Awkward waiting period. They finally get to the front of the line, with Merry at the register.) Merry: Welcome, my lords, to McPippin’s s All You Can Eat Buffet. Gimli: I’ll take the number three combo (gandalf, theoden, theodred, aragorn, and legolas all look at gimli) Gimli: What? I’m hungry! Merry: That will be $9.00 dollars, sir.... (END OF SCENE ONE) Scene Two
(The partially reunited Fellowship is going back to Edoras.)
Gandalf: What about this weird ball? Merry: We found it after we nicely asked Saruman to leave. Pippin: Just get rid of it. Gandalf: Okay. By the way, it’s amazing Saruman would just leave Orthanc on your request. Merry: (nervous chuckle) Yeah--now just get rid of the ball! (Gandalf throws the ball onto the ground.) Saruman is such a child for playing with balls, don’t you think? Aragorn: I know. Jeez, is he six? Scene Three
(The company that has just been to Isengard are back at the Hall of Edoras.)
(THE ROHIRRIM SING A HAPPY SONG ABOUT THEIR VICTORY AT HELM’S DEEP. THE WHOLE THING IS MADE UP ON THE SPOT) Rohan Man 1: Come master Legolas, let us play a game. Legolas: Ooh, I like games. Gimli: (filling up a mug of ale) No breaks, and no...regurgitation. Legolas: Oh, so it’s a drinking game. Gimli: Heck, yeah! Legolas: Oh, sorry guys, I don’t drink. Rohan Man 2: Oh, come on, this is Middle-Earth--EVERYBODY drinks. Legolas: The elves don’t. Gimli: What? Legolas: Yeah. How the heck do you think we keep such sharp minds and drop dead physiques? Gimli: Exercise? Legolas: That was a rhetorical question you inebriated sack of dirt! Gimli: Whatever, we’re gonna binge. (THE NUMBER CONTINUES) (Gimli and a group of Rohan men are profusely drunk) Gimli: You know, mostly you can’t tell the difference between men dwarves and women dwarves. They both gots beards, and both are prone to killifacation with the battle-axe. Rohan man 1: well thats *hic* new. Gimli: But only the dwarves are the types who dance with hairy women! (Crazy off the wall improvs from Gimli) Legolas: (breaking the fourth wall) You see kids, giving into peer pressure and starting into alcohol may look fun, but you end up being stupid and short just like Gimli. Keep away from the dangers of drugs and alcohol and you can be as awesome as me one day. (THE NUMBER CONTINUES AND ENDS) Merry and Pippin: YOU CAN SEARCH FAR AND WIDE, YOU CAN DRINK THE WHOLE TOWN DRY. BUT YOU’LL NEVER FIND A BEER SO BROWN, CAUSE YOU’LL NEVER FIND A BEER SO BROWN, CAUSE THE ONE WE DRINK IN OUR HOME TOWN, IS THE ONE WE DRINK IN OUR HOME TOWN, YOU CAN DRINK YOUR FANCY ALES, YOU CAN DRINK THEM BY THE FLAGGIN’ BUT THE ONLY BREW FOR THE BRAVES AND TRUE, COMES FROM THE GREEN DRAGON! Scene Four
(Gandalf, Theoden, Aragorn, Theodred, and Eomer have gathered for a meeting)
Eomer: We should be very proud of ourselves. Theodred: Yeah, we poned Saruman’s army, Edoras is safe, and Isengard now feeds our army all-you-can-eat Pippin McNuggets. (The Rohan men all grunt in agreement and pat each other on their backs) Theoden: Great! Meeting adjourned. Aragorn: But we cannot neglect Gondor. Theodred: What? Gandalf: The Dark Lord has only suffered a defeat. We may have won a battle, but we are far from winning the war. Theoden: Wait a second, why should we help Gondor. Where were they when Saruman ravaged our villages? Legolas: As I recall, they were too busy drinking to aide you. Just like you were when their villages were ravaged. So kids, (Legolas faces the camera and speaks directly to it) remember that if you get into alcohol, you will want it so much that you might even abandon your friends. Theoden: Gondor is nothing but a dead tree; they don’t even have a king. Gandalf: (to Aragorn) That may be subject to change. (Theoden catches Gandalf’s drift) Theoden: You mean Aragorn! Sure he’s ruggedly handsome and is one of the best military leaders I’ve ever seen on the field and he’s not too bad with the ladies and he happens to be older than me and I’m a king, (and I’ve spent most of my kinghood drunk) but, he--he’s just not king material. Aragorn: Even so, Gondor needs our aide. Theoden: Last I checked, Theoden was king of Rohan...not Aragorn. Gandalf: How about this, I take one of the hobbits to Minas Tirith and probe around to make sure everything’s okay down there. If it isn’t, I’ll send you a signal. Eomer: Why must you take a hobbit? Gandalf: The best way I know to get into Minas Tirith is with something amazingly cute. Let’s see... the Took is the more adorable out of the two, I’ll take him. (He calls out to Pippin), Master Peregrin, want to go to Gondor with me? (Pippin enters) Pippin: Yup. Gandalf: There, it’s settled. Scene Five
(Frodo and Sam are continuing on their quest.)
Frodo: How long can this quest take? Sam: Quit whining, Frodo! Frodo: (Crying) Yes, Mr. Gamgee. (Faramir enters with the remnants of his unit.) Faramir: Ho, little masters, where travelest thou? Frodo: What the heck is he saying? Sam: He’s wondering where we’re going, idiot. Don’t you know anything about Elizabethian language? Frodo: I do know nonsense when I hear it. Sam: That’s right, you didn’t take that Shakespearean seminar Merry and I took over the summer. (Reminiscing) What’s he that wishes so? My cousin Westmoreland, No my fair cousin. If we are mark’d to die, we are enow, to do our count-- Frodo: Mr. Gamgee the stranger wants to say something. Shut up! Faramir: Thou hast exceedingly great wisdom. He whom hath possession of the blessed tongue wilt surely be exalted throughout his journeyings. But of thy journeyings have I asked. Where goest thou? Sam: With all due respect, m’lord, who art thou and why hast thou journeyed to this far realm? Faramir: Answer me this; why doth thou smell of cow? Sam: Frodo! You really haven’t bathed in two months?! What’s wrong with you?!You’re worse than Sarumon! My apologies, lord. I must have gotten used to the smell. Faramir: In any case, little masters, I am Faramir, son of Denethor, the Steward of Gondor. My army and I hath been ascourged by the armies of the Dark Lord. We depart thence from Osliliath to Minas Tirith. Sam: Ah, and I am Samwise and this bag of cowardly ox-beef is Frodo of Bag-end. We are on a secret mission. Faramir: Chance thou can tellest me? Frodo: We’re taking this magic to destroy it in Mordor! Sam: Shut up! Frodo: Please, you wanna take it off my hands. (Frodo holds the Ring out to Faramir. A tense moment) Faramir: Nah, no thanks. Sam: Wait, what? I mean, doesn’t thou knowest the sheer power of of this Ring? The drugs that are proffered and spout of the Ring as a fountain may heal your men. Returning it to its Master will provide infinite prestige among the forces of evil. Why dost thou reject it? Faramir: Nay, good lords. I am in no desire for any flashy adornments, whether they be wholesome or of evil. Frodo: Wow, your’e really wise. If this weren’t a show that pushed the envelope, I’d kiss you! Faramir: There be no reason for that little master. Mordor, you say--that is the destination of your quest. Well, I had heard legend of a staircase that ascendeth up past the mountainous borders of that accurs’d land. I would escort you but I must regroup to the realm of my father. Sam: Thy wisdom, road directions, and heavenly countenance has compensated for thy lack of free time. I bid adieu, and express my vehement gratitude. A staircase, am I correct? Faramir: Yea, Master Sam. (Frodo and Sam begin to leave) Frodo: Have fun talking to your dad! Faramir: Yes...(he gives a long sad look)...I shall. Scene Six
(Gandalf and Pippin are running around a white city. After traveling longer than this movie has the budget to film, they take a left and encounter Dethenor sitting at the foot of the throne.)
Gandalf: Greetings, Dethenor. (During the following, Dethenor is mumbling to himself like a wounded child after his mother has disowned him and taken his favorite toy.) Denathor: Iwantborimirhe’sbetterihateyougondorisminei’macoolguyreallymaybei’llkillmysonfornoreasoni- hatetheworldtheycanalldierightnowborimiriscoolfarimireatssweetnesslove. Whooohooohoooo! Pippin: Does Gondor have an impeachment program? Don’t you think they’d, you know, notice government this faulty? (Dethenor goes to a table in the throne room and and starts eating grapes with remarkably poor manners.) Pippin: Seriously, Gandalf! This guy is disgusting! Can’t we take him out of office? Gandalf: Of course we can! (Setting change to a cliff overlooking a lot of people.) Gandalf: All in favor? (Everyone raises their hand.) Gandalf: YAY! Okay, Pippin, go skewer him. (Pippin runs in the throne room, takes out a dagger, and stabs Dethenor. He then takes the position at the foot of the throne.) Gandalf: All hail Steward Pippin! All: All hail Steward Pippin. Pippin: Wow. Steward must be a prestigious role. (Pippin takes a bow.) Scene Seven
(Setting: McPippin’s Isengard all-you-can-eat buffet. The Rohan guys are sitting around eating nuggets.)
Merry: What’ll it be? Gimli? Gimli: The usual. Eowyn: The elf doth faultily predicteth my desire for wolf-nuggets. I doth find chicken to be pure of taste! Merry: Really? Then come buy something. All but Merry and Eowyn: WHAT?! Legolas: Did you just... communicate with it? Merry: What? (Legolas shoves Merry against the wall.) Legolas: No one makes fun of my interpreting! How did you do that? Merry: Swear I only took one Shakespeare class! Legolas: No! TELL US THE TRUTH YOU SLIVER TONGUE! Merry: No, really! Shakespeare! You know, “we few, we happy few, we band of brothers! For he today who sheds his blood-” Legolas: Stop talking in riddles or I will rip your tongue out of your throat! Aragorn: Hold it! He just spoke her language! He can be our new interpreter! (Legolas hangs his head in shame.) Merry: Don’t feel bad legolas, you’re still a hunk and have some of the best hair I’ve ever seen. (Legolas starts crying softly) Legolas:(quietly) Why me? Scene Eight
(Frodo and Sam are ascending up the stair.)
Frodo: Oh, this is soo long. Sam: If I hear another word out of you I’ll eat your appendix, you maggoty piece of pathetic parasite. Frodo: You know what, Mr. Gamgee, I’ve had enough of your put downs, and--and I’m going solo. Sam: What? You can’t! I’m the one who gives you the drive to go forward each and everyday. Frodo: But for the sake of what little pride I have. Just go home, Sam. Sam: You don’t mean that, you stupid-- Frodo: Go home! (he exits with a huff) Sam: You won’t survive an hour without me! (Suddenly a green light shines from the nearby Minas Morgul. The Witch King, astride his Fell beast, fly west to Minas Tirith) Sam: What the heck was that? END OF ACT I ACT II Scene One
(Frodo is alone in Shelob’s lair.)
Frodo: WHENEVER I FEEL AFRAID, I WHISTLE A HAPPY TUNE, SO NO ONE WILL SUSPECT... I’M...AFRAID. (He whistles nervously) Frodo: Wait a sec, what’ve I got to be afraid about? I’m the ring-bearer! And right now, I’m gonna sing a heartfelt solo about how life is so hard right now! IT DOESN’T SEEM FAIR, IT’S SUCH A WEIGHT TO BEAR, IF ONLY-- (an octopus falls on Frodo. He angrily and brutally stabs it multiple times.) Stop interrupting my solo! (He regains his composure and tries to sing a few more bars, but...) (He senses something behind him) Frodo: I said, stop--(He realizes it is the giant spider, Shelob. Frodo tries to whistle, but can’t. Shelob poisons him with her stinger. Frodo falls to the ground. Shelob is about to eat him when Sam enters heroically) Sam: Let go of him, you filth. (Sam and Shelob enter into an epic battle that is reminiscent of Yoda vs. Count Dooku. Sam wields bugspray and eventually kills the spider, and places his foot on its head. He rushes over to Frodo, gets ibuprofen from the Ring and heals him) Frodo: Oh, Mr. Gamgee, you came back. Sam: No Mr. Frodo, you can call me Sam again. Frodo: But-- Sam: I figured you really couldn’t last an hour without me, so I decided to continue to help you. Frodo: And at impeccable timing, I might add. (Sam helps Frodo up.) Frodo: Wait a second, so our relationship is completely built on sympathy?! Sam: Well, that’s the way it was back in the Shire. (Flashback) Frodo: Hey, Sam, about those weeds--you missed a spot! Sam: (quietly crying) I’m--I’m sorry, Mr. Frodo; I try my best, I really do. Frodo: (sympathetically) Oh, you big, uneducated hobbit, how could I ever be mad at you. (They hug) (End of Flashback) Frodo: You’re right. Why don’t we start afresh and base our friendship on equality. Sam: Sounds good to me, but if you start being a jerk about the Ring, I’ll have to assert some authority over you. Frodo: (pleasantly) Great! Let’s get going, you stupid, fat hobbit. Sam: (also pleasantly) O-keday, you whiner. Scene Two
(scene goes back to gandalf and pippin)
Gandalf: Well, Peregrin, you are becoming quite the prestigious hobbit. Pippin: At least I have decent table manners. Sing me a song, Gandalf. (Gandalf sings rock while Pippin eats grapes rather politely.) Pippin: Where’s Farimir? Gandalf: Oh, he’s safely staying here away from Osgiliath so that he doesn’t die for no reason like some people might want. Pippin: You mean some dead people? Gandalf: Exactly. (Gandalf and Pippin have a dance party by themselves to We Built this City on Rock and Roll. A guard rushes in, confused by the dancing.) Guard: There’s a big army over there! Pippin: Light the signal for Rohan! (The Guard runs of and lights a flare signaling Rohan) (A messenger comes in and whispers into the guard’s ear) Guard: Sir, They are beginning their attack on the front gates as we speak! Gandalf: We’ll have to stall them. (scene change to front gates) Gandalf: Hey, you, Gothmog! You’re nothing but a filthy spawn of an elf. Gothmog: What?! Oh--oh yeah, well I don’t like you! Ganalf: Is that the best insult you can come up with you piece of Mordor-ridden sustinence. Gothmog: Oh yea?! Well you are dumb. Gandalf: Are you kidding? You are just flat-out stupid if you think you’re smart. (outraged) Gothmog: How many stuff has I said that’d is dumb!? Gandalf: Mff! (breaks out in laughter) Gothmog: You stink. Take this! Orc: Wait, sir. The Great Eye told us to not be mean to the man-folk ‘till the Witchy King get here. Gothmog: (Sigh) You’re right. Gothmog and Company: I LOVE YOU YOU LOVE ME WE’RE A HAPPY FAMILY WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU, WON’T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO. Gandalf: You fiends! (The Witch King arrives) Witch King: Alright, boys, ready when you are. Gothmog: Great, I had a more violent course of action planned. (The orcs begin pounding the gates with battering rams. Pippin opens the gate for them and starts slaughtering all of their men.) Gandalf: Pippin! That is no place for a hobbit! (Pippin continues his awesomeness.) Gandalf: Never mind. Keep it up.
Gandalf: Oh, no! This next ram is shaped like a pig!
(A battering ram shaped like a pig attempts to crush the gate. Seeing as it is the exact same kind of battering ram as the previous, it fails.) Gothmog: Dang it! I thought for sure that shaping it like a pig would help! Gandalf:(under his breath) Wow. You know, come to think of it; I don’t know why that one was any more worrisome than the others... (the witch king walks up to the gate and knocks) Witch King: May I please come in? (A Gondorian solder opens the gate for him) Gondorian Soldier: Welcome! All: NO!!!! Scene Three
(The Rohirrim are preparing for battle and are in a wilderness scape shaped like a digested mole rat)
Merry: Milady, tomorrow is the day of battle. Eowyn: Yea, good squire, and as I have confided before, I will join the men to battle. Merry: And I with you, Eowyn. Eowyn: But soft, ‘tis Aragorn aproaching. Tarry off, master Merry, so that I may confront him. Merry: Aye, m’lady. (Aragorn enters) Eowyn: M’lord--er, Aragorn, how hast thou been? Aragorn: Wait, did you just call me Aragorn? Eowyn: Yea, Aragorn. Aragorn: Well, that’s a first. (he begins to exit) Eowyn: Linger, I pray thee--I mean, abide with me O, Ara--I mean, just listen to me! Aragorn: I’m all ears, toots. (Eowyn giggles) Eowyn: Lord Aragorn, a rose is a vestation of beauty, but to behold it from a distance is somewhat an abhorrency, lest it be better appreciated in the forewards of ties. Aragorn: Uh... sure. Why not? Legolas: (approaching) Hey, hey, Aragorn! What’s shak’n?! Aragorn: Just talking to this doll. (Legolas whistles, and exits.) Eowyn: I suppose to put mine feelings in the terms of thy tongue, I must ask, dost thou love me? Aragorn: Are you asking if I love you? Eowyn: Well, I said it in plain English! Now an answer I implore. Aragorn: Plain is one way to put it... Well, y’see, I already have a girlfriend. Eowyn: Then deliberate, Lord Aragorn. (Flashback) Arwyn: Oh, Aragorn... Aragorn: Oh, Arwyn... Arwyn: I’m immortal... Aragorn: I’m not... Arwyn: I love you...I want to be with you... Aragorn: Your father hates my guts. He wants me to become the king of Gondor and only then can we be together for as long as we can. Hey, isn’t it convenient how we’ve gone over this like a million times and we’re still talking about it? Seriously, do you want me or not? (coaxing her) I have been blessed with long life. Arywn: Well, I know my father’s trying to have me make the right choice in my life by not marrying you, but he is really wasting the time we have together. Aragorn: I know! And so are you in telling me things we already know! I know about your pops, I know you love me. I know you’re immortal already! Just shut up! You’re so annoying! (The flashback ends.) Eowyn: Why hast thou told me this? Aragorn: Because this relationship hasn’t been developed at all, and if I end up marrying her (which I probably will, because this isn’t a tragedy) it would seem so out of place. Eown: Oh, woe is me for my lover hath another lover. Aragorn: Oh, um... yeah. (he exits) Eowyn: Shall I live to fight, or die, now that life has approached an inability to love. I am dead in the heart, for lest Aragorn recants his love plea to the elven maiden, I shall have the no cause to live. If God so granteth me another love, but in my feminine state, that is of an impossibility. Woe is me in this state of unrecoverable hysteria. (during this soliloquy Merry has enterd) Merry: May I remind m’lady that tomorrow is the eve of battle. Perhaps the annihilation of many an orc shall ease thine anguish. Eowyn: (sigh) You are right, Master Meriadoc. Scene Four
(Theoden and Aragorn are conversing)
Theoden: Our numbers are too few. This shall be a battle of the ages. Aragorn: And you don’t care if you, your kinsfolk die? Theoden: Saruman has seen the wrath of my new makeover...it’s time Sauron sees the same. Aragorn: Uh, okay, well I have to...sharpen my sword, so uh--see you. Tomorrow, though, it’s not like I’m ditching you or anything. (Aragorn starts leaving.) Random Guy: Why is he leaving?! Tomorrow is the day of battle! Eomer: He leaves because there is no hope. Aragorn: What? No! Go, team Rohan! I’m just getting... reinforcements! That’s it! Reinforcements! (Elrond shows up in front of Aragorn.) Aragorn: What? How did you get here? Elrond: I’m an elf. Shut up. Aragorn: I’m ju- Elrond: Here’s a cool sword. I think it was your dad’s.While we’re at it, I forgot the name of the sword. Let’s call it George! Aragorn: All right. Give me George. I’m leaving. Elrond: Aragorn, you have to quit being so passive aggressive. Fight with the Rohirrim, become the king of Gondor, become what you were born to be! Aragorn: Oh, you think I’m leaving out of cowardice, well that’s not true! I’m getting reinforcements! (Elrond stabs Aragorn. He takes out an ibuprofen and heals him, and then pulls the sword out.) Elrond: You must do it. Aragorn: Alright, but what if I really do get reinforcements, there’s a legend of a race of dead people who betrayed my people. Their ghosts reside in these hills. If I recruit them that will fulfill their promise, I’m sure they’ll help us. Elrond: Alright, but if you don’t come back, so help me I will stab you silly and gut you like a fish. Aragorn: Oh-key-day. (He begins to leave into the mountains. Legolas and Gimli appear) Gimli: Did you really think you could leave without us. Aragorn: No, really guys, I need to go solo on this one. Legolas: Ha! Like that’ll ever happen. We’re gonna follow you like a bunch of lost puppies. Aragorn: Fine, you can tag along. (The three walk into the mist.) Legolas: We figured this was our last chance to escape. Gimli: So what are we doing? Scene Five
(The battle of Minas Tirith rages on)
Gandalf: We’ve suffered too much here, retreat to the second level! (Pippin, Gandalf and the remaining soldiers run to the second level. Once they are there, they see Faramir and his men hiding like a bunch of chickens) Gandalf: Faramir! What are you doing here? Or perhaps I should ask why you weren’t down there fighting with us. Faramir: No matter, Master Gandalf. I have come with men ready to arms, though, their stomachs are not prepared for such a battle as this. The only remnant of our food supplies are beans. (One of Faramir’s men lets out a deafening flatulation and groans) Gandalf: I don’t care about the gastrointerology of your men! We are weary and you are fresh for the fight; now get in there! (Faramir’s company hold their abdomen and fight orcs in between releasing gas. Many are slain) Faramir: O, White Wizard, our numbers are too few, we cannot keep up this skir-- Gandalf: Oh, shut up, Faramir, you use that “numbers are too few” excuse like every time you lose a battle. But you’re petty whining shall be answered, withdraw your men and Peregrin Took shall take your men’s place. Faramir: But he’s just a hob-- Gandalf: Do as I say! (It is done. Pippin continues his awesomeness as Gandalf and Faramir chat) Faramir: May I inquire, O Gandalf, where might my father be? Gandalf: Oh, we impeached and executed him. Faramir: (sigh) That is relief to the ears. I have dreaded the very moment wherewith I would have to confront him of my follies. Gandalf: And you’d just use the “numbers are too few excuse”? Faramir: Yea. But ponder this: hast there ever been a time when our numbers haven’t been “too few”? I believe that we shall just win no matter what. Seriously! Whenst has Gondor EVER had the advantage? I’ll bet there’s a noble playwright jotting this story down, and he plans us to be victorious. Gandalf: Well, if we had a army of “Pippin”s we would have won the war all ready. Now where is Rohan. (pippin jumps on trolls stabbing them in the head with his sword) Interlude
(Frodo and Sam are jogging through Mordor with short gym shorts and sweat bands)
Sam: Boy isn’t this envigorating! Frodo: Yeah, it’s great to be alive. Sam: Our relationship is really working out. Frodo: Yeah, I love you buddy. Sam: You, too, pal. Hey, is the Ring giving you grief. Frodo: Not in the slightest! Life is so great with the wind in your hair and good friends at your side. Sam: No conflict between us at all. Frodo: It’s gonna be a while ‘till we get back in this story. Sam: Yeah! (They continue running and laughing) Scene Six
(The Rohirrim have readied for battle)
Theoden: Alright, boys, were off! Scene Seven
(Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas are looking for the dead army.)
Aragorn: Yooo-hoo! Dead army, where are you?! Gimli: I still don’t get what’s going on. Legolas: Oh, Gimli, you ignorant pygmy, we’re looking for the dead army. A long time ago, a bunch of guys chickened out on the king of Gondor, so the king put a curse on them so that they would become these creepy zombie-ghosts until they fulfilled their promise. Gimli: Ok. But... they’re dead. How are they gonna help us? Aragorn: With undead magic awesomeness, you dummy! (A bunny rabbit hops into the frame) Aragorn: Ah, does the cute little bunny wabbit need a fwiend? The Bunny: (in a daunting, ghostly baritone voice) Are you looking for me? Gimli: AH! It speaks. The Bunny: I am the king of the dead army! Aragorn: But you’re a rabbit. The Bunny: (He goes into the light, revealing that he is a green-transparent color)Don’t you think I know that! Long ago, the Bunny Federation was of the key nations in the alliance of the second age. Hoards of the Dark Enemy’s army were hewn by our speedy legs and vicious teeth. Aragorn: So if I presented an opportunity to move on, would you take it? The Bunny: Would I take it! Heck, yes. These cliffs do not produce a great amount of carrots. We are hungry. Aragorn: So ghost bunnies still have to eat carrots? The Bunny: Do ghost bunnies have to eat carrots! Well, actually we kill the carrots and eat their ghosts. Gimli: Before we go can I pet you? The Bunny: Can you pet me! I don’t know, can you? (Gimli looks baffled) The Bunny: Didn’t you say something about us moving on! Of course, the only way that’ll happen is if the king of Gondor shows up and asks us for some help. Aragorn: Oh, right. I’m uh... you know. The king of Gondor. Right. I think George might help prove it because I’m pretty sure that he belonged to my dad. (Aragorn brandishes George) The Bunny: You’re the king of Gondor! Well, okay great, I believe you. I’ll ready the bunny brotherhood. (The Bunny lets out a mighty clicking of his teeth, and an army of ghost bunnies appear.) Scene Eight
(It is night in Minas Tirith. Gandalf, Pippin, Faramir, and all the Gondorians have barricaded the doors of the third level)
Pippin: Gandalf, do you think we’ll live through this? Gandalf: Peregrin, when you are as old as me, and lived such a fruitful and long life you’re gonna want to die. Heck, I would’ve been happy to die in Moria, but you bunch of wipper-snappers still need to be monitored when it comes to war. Faramir: Well, at least I have been fighting this whole time and not being creepily applied oil to so my father can kill us both. (A horn from Rohan is sounded, and the sun rises) Pippin: What was that? Gandalf: Rohan has answered. (Transform to the back end of Pelennor Fields) Theoden: Um, okay everybody, you’re probably gonna die, but I DON’T CARE! So on that note and with no strategy whatsoever, CHARGE! (The Rohirrim do an epic charge. The orcs are dead afraid and retreat. All is well until another horn is sounded and the mumakils enter. The Rohirrim are dead afraid) Theoden: Come, Riders, the charge worked on the orcs, why not these beasts. Hurry reform the line! Rider: But sir, they’re like five times the size of our horses. They have barbed tusks and archers and- Theoden: I don’t care! CHARGE! For glory! For Rohan! and for my new makeover! (Eventually the Riders get the hang of killing the oliphaunts by doing things that the Ewoks do in Star Wars VI) (Legolas does an intricate and sheerly awesome sequence in killing the next oliphaunt) Gimli: (as Legolas slides from his trunk) They’re not that hard to kill. (He swings his axe straight into the heart of a mumakil. It falls over dramatically) Legolas: Gimli, there’s a reason that girls all across America have posters of me in their bedrooms. Gimli: What’s America? (The Witch-king enters on his fell beast) Witch-king: Hey, are you King Theoden? Theoden: Why, yes I am. Why do you-- (The fell beast grabs Theoden on his horse and shakes him like a dog) Theoden: It appears that I am in a predicament so will someone please HELP ME!? Eowyn: I’m coming uncle to save you but so slowly that you will be dead before I get to you Theoden: What!? Eowyn! What are you doing here! I’d rather have a bunny’s help than yours right now. (Merry jumps off of Eowyn’s horse to fight.) Merry: Good luck! (The fell beast tosses Theoden aside) Eowyn: If you touch him I’ll kill you, you punk! Merry: Milady, I believe you mean to say, “I shall slay you if thou tou-- Eowyn: I’m sick of being eloquent and primp! It’s time to show this piece of crap a lesson! (Eowyn goes up to the fell beast and stabs it. The Witch-king rises. He has a huge mace and is much taller than Eowyn anticipated) Witch-king: I cannot be destroyed be a man, you fool! (Screen pans to Legolas at the bank of a river with a boat in it. He is yelling at the boat.) Legolas: Come on! You’d better not hold out on us again! Bunny: Okay! Charge! (Back to the Witch-King) Witch-King: As I was saying, No man can kill me! (His helmet implodes as a thousand ghost bunnies chew it up.) Eowyn: Um... I didst do that! I didst do that! (Everyone looks impressed except Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn.) (The battling decreases and eventually stops. Eowyn walks up to Aragorn.) Eowyn: I didst do that! I didst do that! Id didst kill the Witch-King! Is thy girlfriend capable of embarking upon such feats?! Aragorn: Legolas, get me out of here! (urgently and whispered aside to Legolas.) (Legolas walks away) Eowyn: I didst do that! Did thou see me? Id didst kill the Witch-King! Love me now, for I am brave because I didst do that! Aragorn: Umm... That may or may not- Eowyn: No! I didst do that without help! (Legolas and a group of Gondor men come rushing on, and put Aragorn on a stretcher.) Legolas: We’ve got a 24-39! We’ve got a 24-39! Make way! We’ve got a 24-39! Sick man coming through! (Legolas continues shouting as Aragorn is caried off, pretend groaning.) Eowyn sighs and then remembers that her favorite uncle is dying on the ground next to her.She kneels down next to him. Theoden is under his horse Theoden: Eowyn, I implicitly told you not to come! Eowyn: I uh... I lovest thou uncle! Theoden: Now I’m gonna die because of you! Eowyn: Mine ears hath deceived me. How is it that thou should’st die on account of my presence?! Theoden: Because you are emotionally harming me just by standing there. Now I’m doomed. (Theoden pulls forth a knife and kills himself.) Aragorn: Thanks, Legolas. I don’t know what I would’ve done. Legolas: No problem. I’m here for ya, dude. Aragorn: Well, looks like the bunnies helped. Bunny King: HEY! Free us please. Gimli: Bad idea. These guys come in handy in a tight spot. Aragorn: You know what? You’re right. I’m not going to free you.I will however, direct you to a field that is carrot rich on the other side of middle-earth. Bunny King: That’s even better! Who wants to fade out of existence anyway? Call us if you’re in need of any help. (The screen pans to Aragorn’s face.) Aragorn: Good. (Looks shocked) Whoa, where did he go? (Screen goes back to where the bunny was standing to reveal that nothing is there anymore. Then it pans left to reveal that the Bunny King is hiding behind a pillar.) Aragorn: There he is. Bunny King: Wait, what?! Don’t look over here! Gandalf: The Battle of Palennor Fields is over. Now come let us plan what to do next. Lord Of The Rings OnlineScene Nine
(Sam and Frodo are jogging up to the base of Mount Doom.)
Frodo: Wow, we’re almost there. Sam: You’re right buddy. Hey, is the Ring giving you any troubles. Frodo: Slightly, but,*Sigh* I’m out of water. Sam: Here, take mine. There’s still a few drops left... (In this sequence, Frodo takes Sam’s canteen and finishes it. However, most of the water dribbles down Frodo’s chin.) Sam: Are you kidding me?! Most of that is on the floor now! Frodo: Don’t you love a nice, refreshing drink? Sam: FRODO! You idiot! Here we are jogging next to a volcano and you dribble all of the water down your chin?! Frodo: You’re supposed to be nice to me. Sam: What a fool I’ve been. There’s no excuse for being such an idiot! Frodo:Don’t think I haven’t seen you at night with all of our elven bread! Sam: At least I eat it all, instead of throwing the crust off the cliff! Frodo: You should know how I feel about the crust Sam: Yeah, I should. But I should know that you have enough common sense to realize that being picky about what you are eating on a mission to save the world with no other food supply is just selfish! Frodo: That’s it! I’m going solo! Sam: Oh, yeah! You couldn’t last three minutes without me! Frodo: Watch me, it looks like a two minute jog up to the volcano. (He begins off. A druggie pounces on Frodo.) Drug Addict: I wa’ sum crack! (Frodo viciously stabs him.) Frodo:How dare you try to take my precious!! (He runs off with the strength of eagles) Legolas: And thus we see, youngsters, that drug addiction is a dangerous road that would cause you to do things that you normally wouldn’t have otherwise. Sam: How did you get here? Legolas: I’m an elf, shut up. (magically disappears) Sam: Frodo, get back here; you’re gonna do something stupid! (He chases after him) Scene Ten
(The meeting following the Battle of Palennor Fields. Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Eomer, Eowyn, and Faramir are all assembled)
Gandalf: The Battle for Middle-earth is nearly won, but we must act quickly and decisively against the Dark Lord if we are to destroy him. Gimli: But why do we have to go? I rather like it here. Merry: I agree, why don’t we just send the bunnies. Gandalf: Because bunnies can’t solve all our problems! Merry: Yes they can! Haven’t you seen Open Season. Gandalf: I don’t care! Aragorn, you are to be king, what do you say? Aragorn: Huh--oh, well I feel I need a broader palate of decisions before I make mine. It’s what a good king does. Faramir: The once and future king lacks decisiveness. Lest we attack the Lord of Mordor with such honorable acquisitions, we in this quest for the right will fail. Gimli: (aside to Legolas)What the heck did he say? (Eowyn looks overjoyed at the fact that this might be the man that can understand her.) Eowyn: What he says is of little concern, for the nobility of his heart and countenance surpass the need of tongue. Faramir: Ay, fair lady, but the palmer’s touch is my desire. For such a hand as thine is of deep crime, but take the risk I will whole-heartedly do. (Eowyn giggles like a school girl,takes his hand, and they exit together.) Gandalf: Heck, let’s attack them with everything we’ve got counting on the off chance that Frodo will make it! Legolas: Unless of course he hasn’t been corrupted by the Ring yet. Gandalf: How would you know that? Legolas: Never mind. (During the following sequence, the army of Gondor walks to the gates of Mordor.) All: IT IS TIME IT IS TIME TO PREPARE FOR BATTLE! WE’VE GOT EVERYTHING TO LOSE AND PROBABLY NOTHING TO GAIN BUT WE’RE RECKLESS MEN, SO WHAT THE HECK! Merry: I THOUGHT IT’D BE NOTHING! TO GO TO THE PRANCING PONY (LAUGHS) BUT ALL THAT HAS CHANGED AND NOW I’M A NEW HOBBIT! (Pippin lets forth an incredibly over-extravagant ad-lib) Pippin: YUP! Legolas: MY BOW NEVER RUNS OUT OF ARROWS ASK ME ABOUT THAT LATER BUT JUST KNOW THAT I’M AWESOME AND YOU WILL NEVER BE AS COOL AS ME! All: IT IS TIME IT IS TIME TO PREPARE FOR BATTLE! WE’VE GOT EVERYTHING TO LOSE, AND PROBABLY NOTHING TO GAIN BUT WE’RE RECKLESS MEN, SO WHAT THE HECK! Gimli: MY AXE, MY AXE, IT SWINGS, IT SWINGS, IT FILLS ME WITH SUCH JOY, CAUSE YOUR HEAD IT MUST DESTROY! HEY! Aragorn: I AM ARAGORN MY DAD WAS TAKEN BY THE MUSIC BUT I WILL MAKE IT RIGHT BECAUSEI’M GOING TO THE FIGHT! All: APACHE’ ROSIAN TREES, THEY SING TO ME AS WE MARCH! TO BATTLE! MARCH! TO BATTLE! APACHE’ ROSIAN TREES, THEY SING TO ME AS WE MARCH! TO BATTLE! MARCH! TO BATTLE! (Song ends and the army arrives at the black gate.) Mouth of Sauron: Greetings, my master- (Aragorn cuts his head off instantly.) Aragron: Hates us, we know! (The black gate opens and countless orcs pile out.) (A huge battle insues.) Aragorn: About those arrows, Legolas, what’s with that? Legolas: The fact that I never run out? Aragorn: Exactly. Legolas: Yeah, back in the day when I worked for Santa, I learned how to make things very quickly. So I’ve been making new ones really really fast. So fast you can’t really see it happen; it just looks like a magical quiver that replenishes itself. Aragorn: Oh. So... Only elves can do that? Legolas: Yeah, jealous? Aragorn: Why the heck can elves do so much?! Legolas: Because we don’t do drugs. (breaking the fourth wall as the battle continues to rage around him. During this, an orc is about to kill Legolas with a sword, but is shot down by some random archer. Throughout, Legolas remains oblivious to everything around him except the audience in this aside.) So kids, remember that what they tell you in all of those tediously long school assemblies is true. You will lose your life in order to obtain these things, even though for your whole life you haven’t had need of them. Gimli:(cutting off Legolas’s speech) Legolas! We’re supposed to be fighting! Scene Eleven Lord Of The Rings Cast
(Sam is in Mt. Doom looking for Frodo)
Sam: Frodo, get back here! You’re gonna do something stupid! (Frodo is standing on a small, narrow cliff overlooking a huge vat of lava.) Frodo: No, I can’t. This ring is most precious to me. My... precious! (Frodo breaks the ring from its chain, and puts it on his finger.) Frodo: (squeals with joy) Oh boy, oh boy! Sam: NOO!...You idiot! (meanwhile) Aragorn: We’re being overrun! It’s the end of mankind! Come on, Frodo! (back at the volcano, Frodo is dancing very poorly. Classical music plays; Frodo pours prescription medicine out of the ring... Back to the fight) Legolas: Come on, Frodo! Hurry up! (Back to Frodo who is doing the worm, and then to Gimli who is fighting.) Gimli: Frodo, I have a feeling that if I were with you, I would kill you. Pippin: Yup (People are dying. A lot. Back to Frodo. Frodo worms off the edge of the cliff, but hangs on with one hand. Sam walks up to him.) Frodo: Help... please! Sam: Frodo... I don’t- Okay. (Sam helps frodo up. Frodo keeps the ring on his finger and continues his dancing.) Sam: Frodo! Throw the ring in the fire! Frodo: Um... No! Sam: I shall not allow you to keep it. Frodo: Um... Thanks and all, but I’m keeping it. (Sam pushes Frodo off of the cliff.) Sam: That is probably the best decision I ever made. (Eagles pick up Sam as the volcano collapses. The Eye of Sauron also collapses.) (Lots of men are cheering. Finally, to avoid a needlessly long ending,The end.) Epilogue: (This next scene comes after credits) (Sam has a little kid on his lap and is talking to him.) Sam: …and that, child, is the best decision I ever made. And then, even if he had thrown it away, we probably would’ve had some awkward conversation about death. Then we would’ve traveled home to find that all of hobbiton had been burned to the ground. And if Frodo survived that, he still would’ve been sent to elven prison for drug addiction. Those elves don’t take it lightly. I think they eventually put Gimli in a rehabilitation center too. Poor dwarf. (A long sigh follows these remarks) Sam: So that is still the best decision I ever made. (Pippin walks in wearing several crowns, necklaces, and golden rings. His loins are girded with incredibly fancy robes.) Pippin: YUP! Lord Of The Rings Games Download
Special thanks to: [email protected], squirrellord, Mr. Blu__, and least of all, to Calen Johnson.
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